Ever have one of those days when you weren't sure what was going to happen next in your life? Well, that is where I am. In a life filled with failure, my graduation from Gardner-Webb University is a glaring success. So, my question to myself is now what?
In my life I have often felt snake bitten when it comes to success or even just good things happening. I am used to "settling" for what I can get rather than what I truly want or even need in life at times. As I look back at my life, do I see my own stupidity, poor, judgment, odd life circumstances which take away chances at success, or do I see God's hand at work to bring me to THIS point of success in my life?
I honestly do not know. My greatest fear is making it through school and then have no opportunities open up after I finish. That would make my time at GWU look like a big waste. I honestly do not fear failure, that seems to be normal for my life, but I do fear success. I truly do not know what that is or if I can handle it. If success came my way, I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and take it away. At times, this fear feels like a consuming fire eating away at my peace of mind. How do I face this fear and overcome it?
I have lived with this fear for much of the last two and a half years. And as I sit here at my computer at 3:46 a.m. writing this, I feel it now. Yet underneath this fear lies something also that I cannot shake: my faith in Jesus Christ. I believe it is he who led me to go to GWU in the first place. I believe it is he who has made a way for me to go to school even when there seemed to be no way. I believe it is he who has something for me to do with this education. I just have to find it.
So, as I sit here and wonder what will happen next in my life, I have to say that I believe it will be Jesus Christ who leads me to what I am to do next. His faithfulness to me has been beyond what words could express. In a life filled with emptiness and abandonment when it comes to direction, Christ has always been there to guide me. And he will guide me now. . . back to bed to wake up in a couple of hours to begin the final leg of this part of my Journey. Two exams today and one tomorrow and my collegiate career (for now) will be finished at the young age of 44.
And the question remains, now what?
