Ashamed at Not Being Content

I have learned, or rather admitted to myself lately that my mood and perspective on life has to do with my bank account. I have lived much of my adult life around the poverty level of income. The most I have ever made (gross) in a single year is $24K. I moved to PA to try to make a living, become independent, and to help my father pay his bills when his health declines. I am not close to doing that. Although I have made ends meet, and even bought some wants, this job is not reaching the potential I was told it could. There have been some extenuating circumstances. My partner's wife divorcing him and him taking about 2 months off from doing any substantial work to get his personal life in order has hindered income severely. The income from this job is very sporadic regardless. Last week, I paid myself $40. I had food and my bills are mostly paid for the month because they all are near the first half of the month, but listening to what my partner say his financial needs are (and they change depending on his mood), and knowing what I need, I am not sure of this job's potential to sustain that. I have been stressed heavily since I have been in PA because of the uncertainty, and have had to incur debt to make ends meet at times. However, I have no assets to pay my debts if the business fails. Everything I own I can almost fit on my $65 couch. The stress has even affected my health. There are days of extreme fatigue all from stress. My job is by no means physically taxing.

So, what's the point? I am ashamed that my faith in Christ cannot overcome my stress about my income. Paul said in Philippians 4:11-12, "Not that I speak according to need, for I have learned to be content in whatever state I am. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound. In everything and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need" (emphasis added). I am not there. You also have to understand that my income before I moved to PA was about $6k/year while working part time at the Y while in school. This is not a new phenomenon. Now I am on my own and want to stay that way, whereas before I was living with my dad. This has been a stress for years. I have been fighting to get back to a "normal" life ever since my wife left me in disarray. In my mind, only then will I be past that whole episode with my mother dying, wife leaving, and needing to move in with dad. It's a quest for wholeness, independence, and the ability to affect the lives of others for Christ. Can I do that while being so stressed about money that I can't do anything? And by 'anything' I mean being able to give to others or attend (gotta be able to afford the gas to get there) social events at church or elsewhere so as to interact with others and reach out to people. Can I be useful in THIS society while being impoverished? I don't know. All I know right now is that I am not content with only Christ and for that I feel a certain amount of shame.

Where I Am Today

Lately my reading and focus has been on the cross. More specifically, Christ's sayings on the cross. It's a humbling thing to read about what He went through and then read what He said about those who were punishing Him. His concern was not for Himself, but for those nearby, whether it was His mother, the Roman guards, or John the beloved disciple. In the near future I will be writing about a few of those sayings and what they mean to me but today I just wish to share that the cross is where I am at. You may think it odd that, at Christmas time, I am focused on the cross. But didn't the babe in the manger grow up to be the man on the cross? Was this not the ultimate purpose of His birth? The irony that, in His death, He birthed a new family made of Jews and Gentiles into one new body. It is His body designed to fulfill His will on this Earth. We talk of being His hands and feet, but how often do we fulfill that? How often do we let His words reign in our hearts and minds so that our hearts are filled with them and they pour out due to an overflow of abundance? May today find us speaking His truth in love to those who need it most.