Strange Days

I can't sleep. Monday was a strange day. I was filled with an unsettled feeling in the evening. I felt like there was a void inside me that food, entertainment, or fellowship could not fill. I was searching for something. I do not know exactly why I felt this way, but there may be a couple of reasons.

A couple of weeks ago I discovered this beautiful love song by Ed Sheeran (never heard of him, had to look up how to spell his last name just now) called "Thinking Out Loud." It's a simple folksy song that I just really enjoy, especially since I am a romantic kind of sap. Maybe that got me to thinking about various relationships over the last couple of years that have ended one way or another and left me feeling a little melancholy.

I think the true culprit is my bed. I have been in PA since April 1st, so it has been a full 8 months. Monday marked the day my bed was delivered. I slept on an air mattress the first few months. It died, so I bought another one. The second one just wasn't as good and once I moved into my second apartment in August, I have been sleeping on my couch. It has recliners on both ends, so between each section, there are boards which can dig into my side, or hips, or knees. I also bought a cheap bookshelf last week to match the other cheap bookshelf I have from Wal Mart which allowed me to get the box of books that was lying on the floor at one end of the couch out of the floor and into the shelf.

I guess the truth is, I have been living as somewhat of a vagabond in PA. I have been living as though this experiment may collapse at any moment and I would be back home in NC. The bed and the shelf bring permanence into my life. No more temporary arrangements. I have settled in. Truth is, it has been several years since I have slept on a bed that was big enough with a solid foundation. The bed I had back home was a twin (don't ask why), which coincidentally is the same size as me. The bed frame gave up a leg so it has been on the floor for a while. On top of these things, I am becoming deeply involved at my church. I am assisting in the 3rd-5th grade boys class. This Sunday I begin taking pictures for the church directory. I have been working on the list of names for a week or two now. I was asked to volunteer to run sound on a regular basis. Maybe the fear has passed and I am finally "at home." This is me. This is my life. This is where the Lord wants me. Maybe the truth is that I have found what I have been looking for: a corner. Not the type of corner you put a child in when they misbehave, but a corner that signifies a change of direction. It finally feels like the life filled with pain, anger, and frustration I have had for almost seven years is fading behind me into a new life.